finally hanging it up

Spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there's always some reason

to feel not good enough

and it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

oh a beautiful release

memory seeps from my veins

let me be empty

oh and weightless

and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight

~ Carlos Santana & Sarah McLachlan ~

i will not

10 year old boys hands

my daughter

while sitting at the dinner table

in a quiet moment

quickly ceased the silence

by rubbing her hands along her leg

and expressing

"~ewwwww~"

"mom,

do you even know

how gross it is

to hold a boys hand~!"

and
of course,

i thought long and hard on this answer

but

when my answer took to long to reach my lips

i had no choice

but to repeat the only word i felt comfort in

all while trying to force

a non-motherly-not-worried-smile

onto my face

..

"gross???",.. i said
..

feeling my voice crack under pressure

knowing even if i had pulled off the look

i still just gave it away

then

she explained

how in gym class

she had to line up boy/girl/boy/girl

and play some sort of

red-rover-red-rover

send so-n-so over

and with that

i feel the blood start to pump again

but she

still rubbing her hands across her legs

as if they contained so many cooties

there was no room left to hold her fork

proceeds to tell me the name

of both boys hands she had to hold

of course, not without blushing

and interjecting a question

"why are there hands so sweaty and.. just ICK!"

what do I say?
..

"yeah~ ick.. aren't they???"
..

laughter settles the mood

i had survived

then..

my 4 year old.. son

says,..'mom, you like holding my hand, don't you?'

shit, FAILURE, I FAILED!..

" YES!!!"~ I SAY! ~"YES!!!"

"I LOVE YOUR HANDS!!"

then he adds

.."even if I'm sweaty and ick?"

*sigh*

I love that boy.

sweaty and ick and all.

My daughter, she'll love her brothers hands

someday

and other boys sweaty hands?

.. farrrr tooo soooon!

key to a girls heart

Embrace me.

not with your arms,

but with your heart.

Touch me.

not with your hands,

but with your words.

Hear me.

not with my words,

but from my soul.

Love me.

not for who I can be,

but for who I really am.

Listen to me.

not because you can,

but because you want to.

Be near me.

not because you have to,

but because you need to.

Trust me.

not because you want to,

but because you believe in me.

See me.

Kiss me.

like there is no tomorrow.

Make me believe

you get it.

.

~j~

without words

I would like

to become

so aroused

by you,

that my capacity

to articulate...

..crumbles.

.

~j~

illuminate

if i let you color me

with your colors so bright

would you notice me then

in a new light

would you color my hair red

and black upon my shoes

would it be me then

that you'd likely choose

color my eyes whatever you need

just save some room

so i can still see

the beautiful person

in front of me

paint me, draw me,

sculpt me as you please

i can not wait here any longer

upon my knees

pick any shade, color, or hue

i just want to be drawn upon

from someone like you

blend, brush, stroke

however you see fit

to illustrate

but choose your colors wisely for

i fear when you finally touch me

i'll simply illuminate
.j.

signs of life

the only

sign

in life

that is amazingly

true.

My Limit with Green

recycling,.. ok

light bulbs you turn on @ 7am

but never reach full capacity brightness until noon

canceled the newspaper subscription

reading my news online

in hopes to save

a tree

or two
reusable grocery totes

even though

some days I can't find matching socks

or clean underwear

to save my life

but God forbid

I forget the personal grocery totes at home

yes, I may be an asshole for this..

but..

I believe its my God-given right

to have the softest toilet paper available!
Screw You, Planet!

My happy-go-lucky fucking cheery disposition depends on this!

.