I just didn’t want to be that girl.

That ‘don’t leave me, please need me,

you are my world’ girl.

But I am.

I feel broken

and some days I don’t breathe

because I want you

beside me

so badly, I bleed.

[mostly words,

but bleed, I do,

for every word

pours red for you]

~j

I long to be
the outline of
your silhoutte
for that might be
the closest to you
that I’ll ever get.

I want to be
night’s shadow
as it paints your skin
because I’m sure
that’s the only way
I'll ever feel you again.

~j~

I want to lay with my face

along the length of your neck

and breathe you in

until I’m simply wrecked.

I want to press my hands

to the sides of your face,

drink of your lips

and plead my bodies case.

I want to merge with you

until we’re one in the same

but my heart knows, for you
I’m simply a game

~j~

and just like that

i made it through days of letting go

[take a deep breath, girl

you've only a lifetime to go]

friends call, visitors ask

i say, ‘i’m fine’.

and i will be too,

as soon as i find the switch 

to turn off my mind

because its not the bandages

or the stitches that matter

its my heart inside, that they can’t see 

that’s completely shattered

~j~

Around a corner

love is found,

there,

on the street,

against the wall,

and it is sweet.

Some day,

one day,

perhaps soon,

I’ll walk

nothing but

corners

’til I find it too.

~j

I stood all day

and waited,

gusts picked up,
abated,
birds watched on,
[well humored]
word got round,
[well rumored]
a gathering,
[now crowding]
"can that girl fly?"
[sky clouding]
but all of it,
was just for naught,

because,
you
 were what lifted me.
[my wind, my thoughts]

Now all that’s lost.

~j

:Please:

Protect me

in your sanctuary,

respect me,

though I’m far too wary,

cherish me,

for I deserve it,

carry me,

I’m really worth it.

I need a break.

.Fuck.

Just space.

A time wherein

to breathe in ease,

no pain, oh, please,

just step up

and step it up,

make this pain end,

I can no longer bend

my brain, it hurts,

with every question

it exerts.

My Love is not

a revolving door.

My Love is worth

so much more.

~j~

There was something in those moments,
when that shadow moved closer.
Without even making a clear view of him,
that made me feel like I was about to fall, 
or turn into liquid,
or burst into flames,
from just the anticipation of his embrace.
For within that embrace, 
was such a static,
such a charged atmosphere,
when his shocking skin was finally against mine.
It wasn’t just some ..
quantifiable external beauty 
that created this;
Even though, his scent alone 
could draw me in blindly,
and always, 
did I have a desire to devour his flesh;
No, this was not that.
This was a force.
More then some kinetic energy force. 
This force was tactile too.
This was a force all its own.

It was something undefinable .

For within his embrace, 
is where all my incoherent, random words,
puzzled letters and multi-colored pictures,
came together poetically 
and gave my heart a voice.
Where at last my language had made sense.
I simply breathed easier
 with the weight of his body against my chest.
And once I knew the difference, 
without him,
 I went gracefully insane.

~j

The Brilliant Shonda Rhimes

Grandmas Joyful Girl

I feel you today
[well always]
but i heard you loud and clear
and last night you whispered
right into my ear
'..it will be ok sugar plum
so let yourself feel again,
don’t go through life numb.
its no way to be.
your strong,
please, ..trust me'

i hear you grandma, i really do
its me i don’t trust
but, i have always trusted you

so i’ll pull myself up
and it won’t be easy
and ill try again,
to give my heart freely

i promise, maybe
someday
but today just let me cry
and drown in my tears
and try like hell not to
runaway

~j

Ani DiFranco - 'Untouchable Face’ ~~~~ Fucking Perfect

For You and your situation
I know I needed to
try putting
my love
in a vial
and violently throwing it
out to sea.

While doing so, I wondered
will it
ever come back and
return love
to me?

I find it
unlikely,
as my chances
are now done.

And honestly,
I fucked up
because
right now

cramming you

into a bottle
sounds like it would of been
more fun.

~j

Took out my mirror,

peered through the glass,

over my shoulder,

at us in the past;

I saw you there,

and I wondered why,

I’d ever stopped to consider

that you were ‘my' guy;

you never were, I guess,

because I could see,

how you really needed her

while trying to love me;

Well, she has you now,

she can bask in your glow,

and even you realized you'll be much better off

simply letting me go.

~j

:::

There’s really no difference
between hate and true love.
Both turn you stupid
and are indicative of
simply letting another
...get into your head
so they can screw 
with your mind
until you wish 
...someone dead.

~j

The part of a man 
that I love best,
is located just south 
of his abdomen.

Why?

Because this is the part 
that is incapable of drowning me in bullshit.

~j~

I’ve waded about your very edge,
peered at the rocks and
stepped out on your ledge,
felt the warmth of your water,
the pull of your depth,
and I so want to swim you
but I fear this reality,
has already stolen my breath.

~j

These walls that I built
are getting harder to hold;
the concrete splits slowly;
it crumbles.
It’s old.

And I’d let you in,
but there’s no furniture there,
just four steadfast sheets
blockading nothing but air.

It’s empty, no windows,
not a place to be stayin’
so check the building next door,
if ya get what I’m sayin’.

~J

Deep in the heart of these secret woods,
I cry here, for tears aren’t misunderstood.
The grass is accepting and the water just knows
that this girl can’t be happy right now wherever she goes.

~j

I spent an evening alone with my heart, under the stars
reached up and wondered, just how far off they are
then captured a blink in the palm of my hand,
and I realized, I’ll sooner trap all the heavens,
then find that one special man.

~j~

'trust you'

and that just

must do.

but it’s so hard for me,

all those bits that

we must hide

of our hearts 

as we take

this bumpy ride.

I want to know.

What you think.

What you want.

What you do.

What you say.

But then kicks in; 

“Please,

 don’t tell me,

because, 

I’m already swept away”

~j~

You say you’re not them
but you are.
You’re as them as can be.
Them, by far.

You weigh and you measure
each vowel and note
and then watch while I drown
as you sit in your boat.

[if bullshit
were grains of sand,
you’d have buried me, thus,
leaving only my hand]

~j

it’s just before midnight,
as the winter wind blows,
and the moon lies
waxy pale,
by the spill of the lamplight
this cracked heart knows
that it’s that time
and it whispers your name


and as morning arrives
with a new risen sun
the deed, no longer done
and the hurt, not gone
but this day begins,
fresh, without you
and determined,
to set life anew

~j

This darkness inside

is a preening, black cat

seeking sexual snacks

and a curious lap.

Content in bleak corners,

she sits silent with poise

awaiting fresh wonders

and clever, new toys.

Until you.

That lightness you bring,

that, sweet wondrous soul,

has left here a feline

I just cannot console.

Uninterested in shadows,

where she once hid before,

she wants more of whatever

you’ll let her explore.

So take her.

She’s purring.

She’s ready.

She’s waiting.

It’s the stroke of your hand

she’s now anticipating

~j~

Shhhhhh.
My wish?
Blow you.
Blow your mind.
Blow your soul.
[ & make you mine]

~j

I suppose there’s a certain, quiet beauty to solitude.

[i still think that shit would look prettier in lipgloss & heels]

.j.

~Let us Begin ~

Your lips.

Mm, just so.

At base of spine,

Your fingers twine.

Tongue.

Ah, yes.

You’re doing fine.

Hands grasp hips,

slip  

quick

around,

slide up to breasts,

delight thus found.

~j~

Speak of my lips,
speak of my thighs,
speak of the need
alight in my eyes.

Speak of my touch,
speak of my hair,
speak of the way
I feel down there,

Speak of my give,
speak of my take,
speak of the love
that we might make.

~j~

Once upon a time,

in a land so far away,

lived a girl,

[well, barely living]

with so many words to say.

Words of love,

words of hope,

and unwritten tome of faith,

and she sits,

and she hopes,

for a prince

for whom she’s willing to wait.

But he’ll come,

yes, she knows this,

for life truly

can’t be this tragic,

and he’ll love her,

and he’ll hold her,

and her life

will then be magic.

~j

You see a girl
who is ready to leap;
instead she’s
a girl fairly
light on her feet.

She’s not trying
to die,
she’s not looking
to fall,
she’s just pushing
the boundaries,
outer limits
and all.

Please,
stop worrying so.
Quit stressing
all of her moves.
She’s gonna be
fine once she
get’s back in
life’s groove.

~j

It’s a numb day.
A words unwritten
for they’re
far too dumb day.

It’s a
thoughts thought
but ought not
bare them,
share them day.

It’s a tons to say,
if I felt okay,
won’t stay to play day.

I’m taking my ball
and going home.
[taking my words, too.
They're all I own]

~j

Love’s a little bit
like sketching out
hearts in the sand.

Looks good til
that goddamned huge
tide rolls on in.

~j

There’s no luck to
be found
in a four leaf clover

Nope
{That’s Bullshit}

It’s discovered
in life
when you learn how
to start over.


~j